OK, so I get nervous sharing personal information. As an INFP, I keep things very close to my vest until I know someone well. But here we go. So, a month and a half ago, I walked out of my full time job. The stress, the inequalities, the person I was becoming… it wasn’t something I could do anymore. As such, my schedule has changed. My priorities have changed.
Before, my priorities went something like this: work, sleep, eat, try to recover, finish a book every 6 months or so. Now, my priorities are: spiritual work, banjo practice, read, work part time, prep for cross-country move, get back into exercising, keep up on hobbies. So, you can see that maybe these new priorities aren’t the same as I’m used to or the same as your average person.
Thrown into this new mix is a near-lifelong struggle with depression (and other challenges associated with the aforementioned dysfunctional upbringing). My motivation to even keep up on these new priorities is often lacking. Needless to say, I’ve been subjecting myself to some scrutiny over all of this. Ok, ok, you caught me; I ALWAYS subject myself to scrutiny! Was my decision to walk out OK? Is my current lifestyle acceptable? Do I still have value?
It seems like I’m always trying to prove to myself and to the world that I have worth. That I’m DOING enough to support my decisions. I’m DOING enough to have value. That I’m committed to my new priorities, constantly working on them, doing things, succeeding… and that makes me a worthwhile person. So, a recent tweet has been stuck in my mind that contradicts this reasoning.
How can the above be true? If productivity doesn’t equal worth, what does? It’s certainly not what society agrees with (or my inner voices). I mean, of course I agree with the statement abstractly, as an idea. But practically, in everyday life, its a bit more challenging to accept. Can I make the statement true for me? Can I change my inner voices? How do I convince myself? How do I protect myself against judgement of those who still believe that productivity = worth absolutely? Will I even need to protect myself against those people once I believe in my own value?
Well, not all blog posts result in answers. But today, I’m thankful for questions. For questions are a sign of blossoming awareness, which can often lead to healthy, lasting, real change. To that I say “Yes!” And “Thank you!” to @EmodyAbundance.